Saturday, December 7, 2013

Taking a businesslike approach to CEO Claus and Co.


Last year, I asked our kids to write a letter to Santa, and this was what our then 16-year-old son wrote. It came too late to publish last year, so I saved it for this holiday season. I hope you enjoy it as much as his father and I did. -EB

Dear Mr. Claus,

Let me start off by saying I am a huge fan. I’m very familiar with your work; you pull off your duties somehow, year after year. I very much so appreciate the previous two years in terms of my gross present-able income via your workshop, and I’m pleased to inform you that I intend to do business with you yet again, as opposed to your competitor (Steve Jobs).

Before I place any orders, I do have a few questions about your form of evaluations. “Naughty” or “nice?” Are you sure that a mere two classifications prove effective enough to distinguishing individuals in today’s complex society? Have you ever considered adding a few more possibilities, like “generally obedient,” “average,” or “disturbed?” How does your grading system work? Is it on a point scale? Do you use a common numbering system, or perhaps letters? Have you ever considered that some extremely “naughty” fossil fuel CEOS might, indeed, be pleased to receive a stocking full of coal? I mean, sure, your reindeer fall under that “green” category, but your carbon footprint must be caked with coal dust by now.

But that is mere food for thought: I am but a simple high school student, and your product in the last 17 years of our joint operations has proved to be above and beyond the CALL OF DUTY. I, myself, have been exceedingly “nice” this year, and therefore it’s time for me to balance my moral checkbook and send in my order form.

I’ve organized my list in an orderly, easy-to-read format, and I’ve taken the liberty of listing the average market price. I hope you’ll be pleased to hear that instead of purchasing a new iPhone from your competitors, I’m instead inheriting my father’s old one. I know you and Steve Jobs never did get along, even towards the end of his life. (P.S. Did you do that? Never mind, it’s none of my business.)

Always a pleasure,

Nathaniel Burmeister

Christmas order form

Nintendo DS
Average price: $75-150 USD
To pass the time. Can be a used model, I have no preference, and you must already have a recycling program. If not, you might consider adding one.
iTunes card
Average price: $15-100 USD
I know, it’s an Apple product. Just think of it as a piece of plastic. Send an elf.

Fuzzy dice
Average price: $1-5 USD
Simply for the added SWAG factor in my car.

Assassin’s Creed III (Xbox 360)
Average price: $50 USD
Fantastic game, fantastic franchise. Keep in mind, this game takes place in colonial times, making it educational. I know it’s probably confusing for you in your advanced age, but you’ve done well so far.

Total (approx.)
$175-385 USD
+ 15% gratuity
$442.75 (high approx.)
$201.25 (low approx.)

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